The Reception of the Purple Wedding

Joffrey’s still dead. We’re all still celebrating. Stannis is still bitter. Rickon is still MIA. Oberyn is still very open-minded. Tyrion is still fucked while Tywin is already taking control. Daenerys is back, as is Arya, Jon He-Knows-Nothing Snow and Petyr Baelish. Let’s look at some of this week’s winners and losers.

Losers:

Cersei Lannister: What can I say about the mental condition of Cersei Lannister? We all knew something was wrong but shit just hit the fan. She just saw her first son poisoned and then her twin brother (and ex-lover?) raped her right next to the body of their dead child in the holy sept. She was shown to have no influence on her son,Tommen and seems utterly powerless in front of her father. She’s lost everything she loves and her misery only makes us happy.

Arya Stark: So the Hound is not as nice a person as we were starting to believe. He’s willing to bend his principals and that does not bode well for Arya. Also, she got burned badly with the “how many Starks beheaded before,” comment. Sansa would be crying in the corner for weeks, just saying.

Sansa Stark: Things look so bad for Sansa that she might have just stayed at King’s Landing. The last Stark to trust Petyr Baelish died (Catelyn). The one before her, died too (Ned). And now Sansa is about to trust him. His comments also seemed a little ominous. #Forewarning #YouHeardItHereFirst

The Night’s Watch: As though they didn’t have enough enemies, their own men are now posing a threat. With the scarred-Hannibal-Lectar-wannabe dude south of the Wall and Mance Rayder knocking on their doors from the north, things don’t look good for the 100 men in black.

Winners:

Tywin Lannister: His words should really be “There’s always a silver lining.” Tywin has shown true grit and cunning to use this “tragedy” to better his family position by aligning himself with Oberyn Martell. He also is now puppeteering Tommen, making him even more powerful than he was before. Could it have been him?

Oberyn Martell: A chance to avenge his sister might be coming soon as well as a seat on the Small Council. Along with a very disturbing orgy involving his half-sister (its still gross), Oberyn has shown wit and ability to go toe to toe with everyone.

Tyrion Lannister: Misery keeps coming Tyrion’s way but even during the worst times he manages to inspire loyalty. Oberyn’s selection as a third judge offers some hope for him and at this point he’ll clutch at whatever straws he can. It’s also nice to see he’s not completely losing his mind and is in fact trying to figure this game out. Could it really have been Tywin?

Awards:

The Ygritte award for knowing everything: Petyr Baelish. How did he know Joffrey was going to die on his wedding day? He had to know since he planned Sansa’s escape days in advance. How is he always one step ahead every time? It’s like he’s playing chess while the others don’t even know he’s a player.

The Theon Greyjoy award for whipping it out at every chance: Daario Naharis. Unlike Theon, we enjoyed the humor in his moment of “self-expression.”

The Eddard Stark memorial award for loyalty: Ser Podrick Payne. It brought tears to my eyes when Pod gave up knighthood just to be honest to Tyrion. He knows that kind of loyalty gets you killed and still chose to be loyal. Westeros could do with more men like Podrick Payne.

The Khal Drogo award for swagger in the battlefield: Daario Naharis. Did you see how amazing that battle scene was? Daenerys was impressed. By both his awards.

Conspiracy Theory of the week:

So Tyrion messed with my head. Could it really have been Tywin who poisoned Joffrey? It would seem harsh, but very plausible. Tywin’s control over Joffrey was withering and he wanted a puppet on the throne, not a narcissist evil monster. He wanted to align with the Martells. He wanted to get rid of Tyrion. And with one drink, he’s got everything he needs.

Characters on a bye-week

Bran Stark: Going somewhere to do something that will somehow be relevant. All we know is his puppy is really cute. As is Hodor.

Theon Greyjoy: Being tortured by Ramsay.

Ramsay Snow: Torturing Theon.

Brienne of Tarth: Writing poems about her love for Jaime while he rapes Cersei. Love triangles can be the worst.

Rickon Stark: Is he seriously still on the show?

Protected: The Backstories in ‘Weddings are where men come to die (literally!) ‘

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Weddings are where men come to die (literally!)

We, the Game of Thrones fandom witnessed the end of Joffrey Baratheon (or Lannister). While some us are still celebrating, its time for us to discuss the impact of this heartwarming development and decide which bandwagon we want to jump on and which character we wish to kill next. 

Losers of the week:

Joffrey Baratheon (Lannister):

No longer the King and no longer alive, Joffrey’s death has sent the fandom into an exuberant celebration. Winter may be coming, but for now let us rejoice the idea that even Lannisters can be killed. Not even Voldemort’s demise inspired such joy in a fandom. That’s what happens when you’re a tool to all the people all the time. Rest in peace King Joffrey. Just kidding, we hope you rot in hell.

Tyrion Lannister:

I want to know what Tyrion did to have the Seven Gods hate him so much. Not only is he a dwarf with an ugly scar across his fact that makes Walder Frey look handsome by comparison, he is also cursed with an evil elder sister. His father hates him, his wife won’t touch him and he had to send his lover away to ensure her safety to add to his omnipresent misery. To add wildfire to his wounds, he also stands accused of killing King Joffrey (which really should win him a Nobel Peace Prize for service to humanity). I fear for you my Lion, but I sure hope that you out-think all your perils again. Oh, and your wife is running away.

Jamie Lannister’s ego:

A man with one hand and no family and an extremely rare Valyrian sword had a huge dent put into his ego. A knight using a sparring sword to train is bad enough but he also had the over-zealous Knight of Flowers shut him up by telling him that Jamie can never marry his lover/sister/mother-of-his-children, Cersei.

Weddings:

Yes, the Royal Wedding was a dull affair by Dothraki standards but still the one death did justice. If the show were to end now, the biggest takeaway would be to avoid weddings at all costs.

 

Winners of the week:

Margeary Tyrell:

She was supposed to inspire a thousand songs on her wedding day, and she did not disappoint. Margeary looked absolutely stunning. Even the blind and celibate Maester Aemon could tell you exactly how hot Margeary looked. From the Wall. She no longer has to share Joffrey’s bed and that in itself is a pretty big win. But is she going to be the new Queen? Will she ever get married without having her husband killed before consummating their marriage? Questions, questions, questions!

Sansa Stark (Lannister):

Sansa Stark makes the “winners” list for the first time ever. Surely, the Royal Wedding is the light at the end of the very long tunnel that is the life of Sansa Stark. Finally, her family is somewhat avenged and she might even sneak away with Ser Dantos “the fool”. Things have not been this good for Sansa since her Direwolf was murdered back in season 1 episode 2.

Ramsey Soon-to-be-a-Bolton Snow:

With Joffrey out of the picture, Ramsey is by far the most fucked-up character in the kingdoms now. Not only did he ruin sausages for all fans, he seems to be gaining the trust of his King-Slaying father, which is not a good thing for us. He really is a sadistic bastard in true sense of the words and he really should just get married already. (AND DIE!)

The Fandom:

Joffrey Baratheon is dead. The fandom is celebrating from Dorne to the Wall. I’m sure the Seven Gods are having a feast eating pigeon pie, drinking wine, laughing and mocking the arrogance of Joffrey.

 

End of the episode Awards:

 

The Renly Baratheon memorial award for “open mindedness in the bedroom”: Oberyn Martell. The scene where Oberyn and his half-sister Elyria are kissing (ew, gross) while Oberyn eyes Ser Loras Tyrell sums up Oberyn’s sexual orientation of “down for whatever happens.”

The Tywin Lannister award for being really boring and lame but extremely powerful: Stannis Baratheon. I hope he doesn’t go on a hunger strike and then burn me for not calling him King.

The Tyrion Lannister award for the most powerful punch line of the season: Melisandre with “There is only one hell princess; the one we live in now” beating Sandor Clegane with “Fuck the King!” As a consolation award, I’ll give him two chickens.

The Hodor award for the most important useless character of the week: Mace Tyrell. He stood around, looked plump and was called “father.” He was told to shut up by his mother twice in the episode portraying him as the joke he really is.

 

Conspiracy theory of the week:

I believe that Olenna Tyrell, the Lady of Thorns and fast-becoming everyone’s favorite character poisoned Joffrey. She had reason, opportunity, knowledge, foresight and the balls to do it. At this rate, your wit  and cunning is winning the Game of Thrones, Lady Olenna.

 

Characters on a bye week:

Arya Stark: Busy riding a horse with an older guy. You know, the average day in the life of a pre-teen growing up in Westeros.

Daenerys Targaryen: Brb, netflixing “How to Train your Dragon.”

Peter Baelish: Managing his brothels after he got rid of his eager-to-please assistant.

Jon Snow: Freezing on the Wall without his cuddle-buddy.

Rickon Stark: Is he still on the show?